Retirement

Well, this last hurrah of mine has been a great learning experience. I did something from beginning to end, which has been a difficult task for me.
When I first went into therapy for mental illness, I had to shift my focus. My focus had been on show business and the roseanne show for a decade. I realized that I was chasing the devil and not god, as I had mistakenly come to believe.
My selfishness destroyed everything I truly loved, from my sense of wonder and my joy of creating words, to my mother and my father’s very lives. My children’s lives were affected negatively too. I gave myself wholly to the idea of healing. It was hard hard work, and there were many times I felt I could not go on another second.
Those times, I see now were what is commonly called the “dark night of the soul”. I could not even ask for help, my depression became severe.
On September 11, 2001, I turned on the news and saw the second World Trade Center building burning. On that day came what is referred to commonly as that “still small voice inside me”.
What a surprise to hear it for the first time, very very clearly and with no “radio waves obscuring it”. It has become intoxicating to me now, and I cannot live without hearing it. I will do anything it takes to listen to it… sell all of my possessions, and even give them away if it interferes in any way with my ability to access/dial that voice, summon it, and connect to it. It feeds me, and nurses and comforts me in ways that nothing else ever has. I am in service to it totally now and find I must pretty much retire from the culture at large at least for a while. To work in show biz is depleting to me now. I hope to be able to make appearances occasionally and be on stage. Stage is the best place of all on earth to me, and always was. When I can go there and be a channel for that voice I love to connect to, I will selfishly try to do that. I am now in the Jehovah’s witness protection program, and I will be testifying to you all on wed. nights here on my site…