my platform for president usa:

Greetings Earthlings! Greetings my fellow and sister Taxpayers of America, as well as any members of the Animal Kingdom who might be listening to me now. I speak for you today. I speak Truth to power today in honor of the mothers and grandmothers of this country (and all countries) who are the backbone of this and all countries, and without whose sacrifice, there would be no soldiers to fight in rich men’s war for turf in order to sell weapons, drugs, pornography, and the fried corpses of headless chickens that Colonel Sanders and other Colonels, Generals and contractors within the military industrial complex, genetically modified for mass consumption, which will soon lead to the ultimate death of the Entire Cosmic Web of Life, including Human Doom.

I’m here today to announce that after a lifetime in TV and show business, and even tougher, raising five children and five grandsons, I have, thanks to much prayer and meditation decided to pursue a less stressful future. I, Roseanne Barr am simply going to fix everything…
Sadly the current leaders of the world–99% of them male, are selfish idiots, moral cowards, greedy incompetents and sexual degenerates who cannot keep their penises in their pants at all, ever, for any reason. In order to save future generations of males, as well as females and animal and plant life forms, I today declare Patriarchal Politics obsolete, and I call forth Divine Matriarchy, the only thing that can save this sad planet at this late and dying date. 
Patriarchy is impotent, and qualitatively unable to solve even the simplest problems in the Cosmos, such as picking up its own socks, or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking directly out of it.

To begin curing this world, I am officially running for President of these United States of America, on the “Green Party” ticket.
As all political candidates in America must do, I will refer constantly to my particular religion, which happens to be The Church of Common Sense. Its laws and gospels are nothing more than practical, simple solutions to the problems that currently plague humanity, and i will incorporate all these religious values into my campaign platform.

My Platform is Three fold, and will result in world peace within one year:
allow women to grow it and to make food clothing shelter and fuel from it for pennies. And legalize marijuana too, and let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctor’s pills which destroy the liver. End the War on drugs. this will take the potheads and non-violent drug users out of prisons, where you can get drugs anyway, thereby making room for the violent offenders and the real criminals–the actual threats to world peace.

Since women make up 53% of the population, as well as the work force, a MINIMUM of Green Tea Party leadership will be female, and given that one in six Americans lives in poverty, at least one sixth of the party’s officials will officially be poor (since generations of rich guys running things has only gotten us here). As Congress people and senators, they will be able to become rich enough to eradicate their own poverty for generations, as well as that of those they represent simply by having access to public policy that decides where public money goes. They will simply direct public money TO THE PUBLIC, a novel idea and something which is not being done at all, ever. A small grant of 1500 dollars can enable a poor woman to start a business that can create wealth and jobs for as many as ten other people within two years.
Poor women know how to get things done well, and on the cheap. They know how to stretch that dollar.

In American, for speaking truth, women are called Bitches. I seek for next Mother’s Day, a march of One Million American Bitches who can get the job done–the job of getting the food to the hungry kids in this country and thereby creating real wealth, as well as saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity. This is just one of my righteous spiritual goals and solutions to the real problems in America!

After the passage of this one law, the Patriarchy will inevitably begin to crumble, as will the concept of War itsel
f, which is largely a large load of bullshit.

My first act as President and Prime Minister will be to re-configure all Maritime Law. Nothing will move anywhere for a while, as Nemesis is achieved. I will become the Pirate Queen, making Corporate Piracy on the High Seas a High Crime.
No real changes need to be made to the system that exists now and the Prison and Military Complexes will not collapse under Green Tea Party rule, at all.
We will still be able to be the world’s police force and imprison significant numbers of humans for profit. The only real difference is, we will imprison the guilty, the most dangerous people on earth using our strong and vast military to find and arrest them. They won’t be too hard to find, as they are already sitting atop every giant Ponzi scheme of a Big Multinational Corporation, and tax free religion in the world.
The Priest Class, allowed to exist only in service to Military Might (as it always has done) will simply be instructed by my minions to begin making peace, teaching scientific fact and to stop dividing people against each other, and to re-configure a message of co-operation, under penalty of International Law.

The Ruling Classes are less than one percent of the world’s population, yet through their control of trade routes upon the Open Seas, the ungodly pirates that they are, control 99% of the world’s resources, and move them through the world by water. They kill dispassionately and by stealing the wealth of entire communities and classes. After being arrested and tried by a Judicial system NOT heavily weighted in their favor (as now), they shall face a fate more horrifying than death (to them). These greedy moral derelicts will be forced to actually pay back the money they stole, every single plundered dime!!

Without Bullshit, the Twin Towers of Patriarchy, Warmongering-Piracy and Woman Hating-Pedophilia will collapse under their own weight.

WITH THE NECESSARY RE-EDUCATION CAMPS, we’ll reinforce the shocking idea that the guilty must pay for their crimes, even if they are wealthy or hiding behind God. It’s imperative that children see their guilty leaders punished, otherwise they grow up to think it OK to rob and hurt and offend, and that you can get away with it simply because you are rich or a priest.

Somewhere, within the concept of Justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed.* I cannot divorce this thought completely. The People must have Justice, and so, I want to instate and enshrine the Blessed and Holy Guillotine, a fast and painless execution of Justice, and of execution.* There’s simply no kinder way of death than a swift and painless beheading!*
–Again, it’s a humane, quick, pain free death. Most people would choose a swift and painless death if they were allowed to vote on it! 
There will be those who oppose an ultimate act of Justice against the worst people on earth, and they shall be re-classified as being some of the worst people on earth themselves, and sent to re-education camps. Without the collusion of the “pacifist” the worst things could not continue.*
Speculators and bankers, those who poison the earth and create wars for profit, will be required to personally clean the sewers and the land of the toxins they have produced. If they choose not to do the work themselves-as they are usually too sensitive for such unpleasantries-then they’ll foot the bill and be required to pay ten times the minimum wage per worker hour. If they cut corners, or make things in any way unsafe for any worker, they will be arrested and tried and punished by The People’s new System of Justice.

Though it may surprise you, the capitalist system will remain in place until somebody comes up with a system of barter that serves the needs of most, and not of the few at the expense of the many. I want a new capitalism, one not fueled by wars, one that doesn’t pass all its wealth to a handful of white guys and call that free trade. One wherein the elderly actually get paid their retirement monies. We’ll have capitalism, but we’ll also have social welfare programs and education and basic compassion and health care. I’m talking about a system that rewards hard work and ambition but cares for its weakest child. Being called a Femi-nazi for saying these things will be considered treasonous.
We will simply combine capitalism and socialism, and create People-ism–where both ideas work together for a functional system. No one shall cling blindly to a single unyielding ideology just because of bloated obese talk radio hosts who tell the starving to tighten their belts, or that damned Ayn Rand book. People and societies do not work like machines. You actually have to have compromise, adjust, and make reasonable choices. COMMON SENSE!

As Prime Minister of Israel, I’ll introduce a bill to the Knesset that will simply do away with Patriarchy there, as well. All religious books that advocate the burning of witches or the execution of gays will become passe and will simply be disregarded as obsolete. 
My next bill of legislation will cause Peace, by simply paying the Palestinian people not to shoot at the Israelis! For far less than the cost of Israel’s unusable 250 nuclear warheads, we can build schools and hospitals and give every Palestinian a great job. We can put the Pal back into Palestinian!
Just ten of the world’s Jewish Billionaires have more than enough to transform the occupied territories. American Jews who support the settlements in Palestinian territories will be required to go and live in them, freeing up their homes in Beverly Hills for Palestinians who may choose to leave their homelands. 
Any Israeli settlements to be built in the Capital of Palestine, East Jerusalem, must be built for Palestinians to live in! This way, the Israeli companies who work with Haliburton and have received no-bid contracts from American Tax Payers, can still keep building!! The Pa
lestinian People will also have decent housing to live in, as they are the majority of Israel’s labor force! In other words, the entire problem in the Middle East will be addressed in my administration as a Labor Issue, and NOT a religious issue. 
No more wars will be necessary. 
Arabe billionaires, Christian billionaires, Russian and and Chinese Billionaires will be required to kick in to solve the problem too, since peace in the middle east is also in their best interests. Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere and grab the money (Arafat died with 30 billion dollars of his people’s money in a french bank account) will be marched to the Blessed Lady and subsequently beheaded. Isn’t that easier/better than some endless bloody conflict against newborn civilians in the middle east?

As POTUS and PMOI, I will shut down those who make the Jewish People their Moral Hostages…namely the Rothschild banking family, who coincidentally are the reason people hate the Jews!! 
The time for all grudges and blood libels will be done. I don’t like Jewish attitudes towards Christians and Muslims, nor do I like what Christians think of Jews and Muslims, nor what Muslims think about Jews or Christians! I simply care nothing for any of these religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed–unlike the Church of Common Sense–All Abrahamic religions refer to God as ‘He’ instead of ‘She’ and all three would burn me at the stake for using the word GODDESS.

In the new world, every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster* will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children and animals and all humans with the stolen money we have commanded our troops to recover. 
Each Grandmother is responsible for at least one hundred people around her, as is normal now anyway, and she will answer to the Grandmother at the head of her district. Each District Head answers to the Tribunal Council of Matriarchs. The titular heads of the Worldwide Association of Matriarchal Tribunals will answer to the Head of the World Family, which is of course, Me.

In this New Age, war is no longer a business. War profiteering is punishable by the Guillotine. To keep these deaths to a minimum, all Presidents, Prime Ministers and Queens (there will be NO kings) will be required to fight in the very first infantry wave of any war they authorize. Trust me, that’ll make for some productive peace talks!!

Why have I been chosen to deliver this message of Female intelligence and its Divinity to a world of deaf males? I have asked my Internal/Eternal Goddess that question, and She answered, “Why not YOU, Roseanne?” Indeed, why not each of us?

Women, let’s stop propping up bullshit and reflecting it back at twice its size!! Let’s drop out big time and stop buying things! Let’s plant gardens. Let’s not buy in, let’s get real. 

 (Added postscript, 2011:  We must stop the ‘gassing’ of the population from Chemtrails emitted by military planes over our heads!  We must force the Media to tell people that they are being led into “the gas showers” now without their knowledge, without having to undress or stand in lines fresh off the trains from the ghettos!

–Global Warming is real, and so is the fact that our government is spraying reflective materials in the sky to try to avert it at the same time they are denying that it exists–DOUBLESPEAK!!  The private contractors who are spraying and gassing the population are also the major stockholders in the companies who own and manufacture the gas itself–rogue capitalism with no regulations (free markets) is based on killing and eating its own young. Rumsfeld, a major nazi war criminal owns tamiflu–this way to the flu shots, jehuden!  A world gone mad, a world ruled by force and by MonSatan’s hordes of vampires in suits.)

Let’s take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch! Boycott all inorganic foods.
Let’s start our own schools and teach our kids to heal the world and not destroy it. Let’s help each other first for once, before we help men or their gods! Let’s be selfish for our own sake and theirs, just this once. I know the thought of that seems blasphemous and horrific, but we have to do it!

The truth of the Light of reality will illuminate all that we see and all that we do.
Ladies,and thinking Gentlemen, I implore you: Join me in the Church of Common Sense, in the Green Tea Party movement. With your support, I promise to usher in the new age:

(a prophecy written 2010 just before the deluge)* i have agreed to remove capital punishment for Hitleresque leaders out of my speeches while campaigning for the green party nomination. Instead, the guilty will live on an island yet to be named, and kept away from money and other people.


  1. Roseanne — any chance you’d be willing to show up for the next North Carolina Green Party convention in April (the weekend of the 28th)? We are looking to invite our presidential candidates as we decide who we want to give our delegates to. Also, we are hoping our national candidates can help us to speak out against the pending vote (in the May 8th primaries) on the proposed NC State Constitutional Amendment which states: “Marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State.” We’d love to have you Roseanne!!!!

  2. Christopher Michael Ward says:

    your message was awesome. I have always felt this way for Roseanne, and I got to tell her all of this in past posts and such. I am glad you was able to do so as well.
    Love your post sister
    Take Care
    Love Chris

  3. message received, battery recharged-transmission connected, mission accomplished. We are who we said we were!

  4. Love this platform & I agree with every.single.damn.thing.You.say!At this very second,as I am being suffocated and crushed under the weight of patriarchy itself,(family)I am taking a moment to show You my gratitude.It has been a privilege to bear witness to the white hot spotlight that You so bravely shine upon the ugly face of patriarchy every- single- day.I know patriarchy up close and personal(on many levels)like no one else I know and my Goddess,you have this shit nailed down tight!You are extaordinary.I want for You to thrive in every way so that people can see You and will hear You.We need You.What I want from You-and for You-are one in the same.I will continue to support You and defend You in any way I can.I believe that You epitomize Love beatifully;meaning that Love is not always kind, but it is Powerful and True.I’d follow you anywhere.This is real-time living Herstory and I think You should and will be known as a Great Visionary.It seems as though the universe has chosen You at this time and You have chosen to answer the call.I can not think of another Woman on the planet that is equal to the task.I say these things to You in the spirit of (to paraphrase You) ‘letting someone know how you feel about them while they are alive’ My father was the king of patriarchy but the last thing I said to him was “Thanks for the sense of humor” This is true.I do appeciate the way that You speak to the mind without some personal interference-most people don’t do that. I am listening and I hear you.I am a member of Your animal kingdom.I love you.Goodnite!bbl (I’d like to give a special thanks to Sharon)

  5. Roseanne Barr lookin’out for the 99%!
    standin up for the workin’class
    makin’sure they dont come last
    leavin debt in the past
    tellin the rich to kiss her ass!
    and all you haters can chew on glass
    Roseanne = AWSOME

  6. Christopher Michael Ward says:

    Ohio voted Jill stein, but i did not.

  7. Fantastic, as always! Got my vote!!

  8. Hey Roseanne,
    I don’t know how often you check this but hopefully you get this message. I have this friend that I’ve always thought of as almost a little sister, we tell each other everything I’ve known her for most of my life and from the first time I ever met her she has worshipped you, she would literally defend you to her death I’ve seen her make grown men cry for insulting you. She has had a hard life with her family and she had to grow up fast she’s only 15 but she’s been through then many people go through in a life time and she acts like it doesn’t faze her but you can see it takes its toll. Until recently she seemed to be sinking further and further into the black hole of depression, then she made contact with you. She didn’t tell me what you said just that you replied and I would like to thank you for that with every fibre of my being, I have never in all the years I’ve known her seen her so happy it was the best thing you could have done, this girl who was usually of in some dark morbid mood was so full of joy that sometimes she would just start smiling for no reason at all and she started doing this weird meditating thing too but then something happened and now she’s worse than ever I don’t know what she won’t talk to me, she won’t talk to anyone it’s got so bad her parents are sending her to counselling and it you knew them you would understand how huge that is. The other day at school I saw cuts on her wrists. I wouldn’t bother you like this if I didn’t think it was the only way but you’re the only one she trusts I know she will talk to you and I think you’re the only one that can help her. So please if it’s not too much trouble respond to this message and I will tell you her name, she follows you on twitter

  9. When conservatives are in power, class warfare is launched against the poor and middle class. Wealth is transferred from the 99% up to the top 1%. This is done by lowering taxes on the rich and deregulating corporate America, while simultaneously cutting social programs that benefit the vast majority of Americans. We would have plenty of money to pay for all these liberal programs if the wealthy paid their fair share and we didn’t waste billions on wars that ultimately make us less safe. Most Americans work hard but still don’t have a shot at the American dream because of the unequal distribution of wealth and education. Government programs such as welfare are meant to help the weakest and most vulnerable among us. Ironically, government programs that help the working-poor are stigmatized, and government subsidies (welfare for the rich) is seen as good business that will trickle down to the rest of us (have you seen the unemployment numbers lately?). How ironic that government is only good when it helps the top 1%, and bad when it helps those who work hard but can’t make ends meet in the richest country on earth.
    Just remember…there are more registered Democrats in the USA. Liberals are in the majority and liberalism is what represents the values of most Americans. Don’t be fooled by conservatives trying to paint the picture that they represent ‘real’ America. They don’t. We are a country that truly does care about the weakest among us, and we recognize that business needs to pay their fair share so we can all have a piece of the American dream.
    We are only as good as the weakest among us. No one living in the United States of America should be working and living in poverty. Either business needs to be required by the government to provide better benefits and a higher minimum wage, or we need to require that those at the top pay their fair share so the government has the revenue to provide a social safety net for those that are at the bottom of what is a natural capitalistic society. We will always have people at the bottom in a capitalistic society. So until everyone has an equal shot at the American dream, it is our duty to help those at the bottom…you know, the people that make it possible for only a select few at the top to achieve the American dream.
    The top 1% hates welfare for the most vulnerable members of the richest country on earth, yet they love government subsides (aka welfare for the rich). The government seems to always receive the blame, even though it seems to be the very thing that provides a safety net for all of us (both rich & poor). Subsides and bailouts are just a few of the ways government helps business. But why is help given by the government to the top 1% praised, and government help to the poor vilified and stigmatized? If giving these benefits to corporate America actually benefited the rest of us, why are we in a recession? The top 1% is against the average American, yet many Americans have been fooled into thinking government is bad and corporations are good. In order to have a thriving middle class again, we must create an effective and efficient government that works in sync with business, and also helps the most vulnerable among us. Government is not the enemy, it is the solution. But government can only be effective if those who have benefited the most pay their fair share so we can all thrive and reek the benefits of the American dream.

  10. crazy horse says:

    hell yes. can we share this speech? power to the people right on!

  11. Great speech today !
    You’re on a roll….making waves…the Green Party is so happy to have you on board.

  12. Here’s Roseanne’s fiery speech recorded earlier today

  13. Well obviously you have my vote.
    I was sorry not to hear your green tea party skype session. Would love to listen to that.
    I had not heard that about Arafat. Interesting.