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Jun
06

the things I have done, i did

because I found them neccessary to do in order to show that I would not bow down to the wishes of those who had little interest in whether I lived or died.  It was an extreme time in my life–and I tried to kick down as many doors for women, working class people and gay people to walk through, as I possibly could.  Oh, I was so on fire to burn down the Beast, before it had consumed all who work for a living. 

I had the desire to show black and white people as good neighbors to each other too, as it had been in my childhood before gentrification and the white flight to the suburbs, which was just beginning in the year I first went on stage.  Everything has happened just as i dreamed it would—women would be on the side of freedom for women, just once.  I knew the chain reaction that would cause–for freedom tself, FREEDOM from fundamentalist religion.  Education for the world’s girls, and an end to child marriage and child slavery.  All of those impediments to freedom for women were my target.  It is behind those ‘traditions’ that Satan himself lurks.  There will be freedom for women in every corner of this earth someday, I saw it when I was young and i see it so much more clearly now.  Freedom for old loud women like myself is a concept that matters more to me than any other. 
  
  Not all persons have the level of commitment that I have to my goal, but I do have it and hopefully will have it until the day that I am released from this hell that could easily have been heaven.
 
 ps. of course i regret deeply any hurt that I have caused anyone, ever.  I am sincere in saying this.  I do not want to go to hell, nor to live my life as a first class asshole.
 Desperate times do indeed sometimes call for desperate measures.  I accomplished a lot, and do have so many to thank–from the women who cleaned the set–to those who contributed their energy and laughter and good thoughts and hearts and souls to a great tv show.  You know who you are and consider yourselves thanked–I appreciate all of the good words from so many of you of late, and have decided not to publish them, because i do not want to give one more second of my life to remember bad times when I am obviously so fortunate to live the lovely and beautiful life of my dreams now in my old age in Hawai’i.  To all who made the Roseanne show, including the talented Matt Williams, and the forceful Marcy Carsey who gave me my start, I say, let bygones be bygones and may G-d bless and protect yourselves and your loved ones from now until forever!  I ask your forgiveness for my bad behavior and my faults, but mental illness is like that…we sometimes forget that others are involved in our dramas, and that they have feelings too.  Hopefully someday, you will say these same things to me.  i hope for forgiveness myself, but whether I get it or not will not affect the level of repentance that I find neccessary in order to move past the past.
  My article was about the time in my life where I realized that my ego was completely out of the bounds of madness.  It was misunderstood and mischaracterized and picked apart by a bitter writer whose own show was cancelled.  
   May you come to your senses someday, brother.  I will pray that you are capable of a deep level of self introspection, and that this letter will hasten that.  I thank you for bringing deep thoughts to my inner world.  They were much needed and are greatly appreciated.
  I have a lovely life now that I am no longer mentally ill.  I really wish that people would stop calling me crazy, as i am no longer mentally ill.  I am fully sane now, which to the insane and immoral means crazy indeed.  But i am not crazy nor mentally ill in the least.  Don’t call me a retard either.  crazy is the same as nigger and retard.  get over yourselves and know this: yes I am a monster to you, Satan. (ego).  My own ego was Satan.
Also, in fairness to myself I must say that so many of the things that writers are angry about happened in the writer’s room and I was rarely in the writer’s room.  I was married to a man who might have been seen as being abusive to people.  I did instruct Tom Arnold to take control of the Roseanne show writer’s room for me and that he did do.  How he did it is sometimes a shocking thing for me to find out about.  I am not excusing myself for my own mistakes, but many things that happened were not done by me.  I forgive everyone, but I feel that in the interest of truth, I can never let myself be accused again without defending myself. 
    I divorced Tom when he started to become best friends with the future Governor of California, Arnold the Sperminator.  I heard from many of Hollywood’s top producers that at the Governor and Maria’s dinner parties, my sanity and my work was an integral subject of the bitter reparte providing the entertainment of derision at many official Hollywood dinners. I must say that i feel I do not deserve the terrible reputation that I have in Hollywood.  Most people there have never met me at all, and those same people say they were there in the hospital the night that Richard Gere came in too.  Most of the writers who claim to know me or to have worked on my show are lying, and were never fired at all.  Most of them had contracts that were not renewed after two years, which is under the labor laws of California, a different subject than is a firing.  It’s all tabloid talk or gossip, most of it.  The few stories of my being unkind are all true though.  I enjoyed being a bitch and a cunt to the highest extent, as any former waitress would also enjoy just for one day.  I had years of putting piggish men in their place and telling them that their shit was not funny, because in fact, it did NOT make me laugh, but cringe.  I am not a liar, unfortunately, although I have been easily confused about facts when in the death grip of a manic high, or a depressive state.  It was not easy to fake that I was crazy, and pretend that all I cared about was fame and money.  In reality, I cared only for pacifying my narcissistic messianic complex.  I wanted to Lenny Bruce my way out of here, but instead i learned to meditate, and that changed me from bottom to top.  I got some peace and quiet in my head, and the voices eased.
   Not that I was blameless, but I was really busy acting on set and did not hang out with writers much at all.  I hung out with my fellow actors, John Goodman and Laurie Metcalf, Sarah Gilbert Lecy Goransen,sarah Chalke, Michael Fishman and others still very near and dear to me.  The story about having the writers wear numbers was to prove to them that they laughed hardest at the jokes that they wrote themselves.  I did prove it that way too.
   Anyway, creating something is painful and sometimes brings out the worst in people, and it did for me.  I am a lot better now that I have become an almost fully integrated DID/PTSD patient.
  The first people who were dumped out onto the streets of this country were the helplessly mentally ill.  They set predators against the people into their quiet streets, so that they could save one dime on the dollar.  judgement day is tikkuun olam.

Comments

  1. Skip Hunt says:

    This world you write of is so foreign to me. I have almost no connection to it at all. And yet, reading this gave me a sort of peace.
    Thanks. :-)

  2. joaby.boaby says:

    I think you had it right when you said Levine was defending the offenders Roseanne. Except he couldn’t defend his friend Matt Williams by saying Williams is not sexist – coming from another male who holds a similar position in the industry that would have meant less than nothing. He could not speak first-hand for women in the industry, or deny first-hand your personal account.
    So he attacked you. Most probably using the same kind of arguments that you say these men used to ATTEMPT to belittle you and make you the laughing stock at that time in your life. (She’s crazy, she’s a fame monster and a bitch, difficult to work with etc etc.) In effect, he only added to the cumulative hostility that you were speaking out against in the first place. And that’s a shame, particularly for the women in his life. Because Ken Levine clearly relishes his place in the boys club above the feelings of others.
    The impression he hoped to make on those good old boys with his inflammatory blog about you was so obvious. Take it as a compliment that mention of you can still rattle such cages I guess! lol.
    Also I am so glad to read you don’t class yourself as crazy anymore – because you just make so much sense to me. Thanks for having the courage to share with us your innermost thoughts. I’m proud to be a fan! xo

  3. Roseanne, just a suggestion to your part where you said
    “I must say that i feel I do not deserve the terrible reputation that I have in Hollywood.”
    But why don’t you appear on Mario Lopez’s new show called “H8Rs” that is going to be premiering on the CW this fall, and clear your image partly that way? What the show is about where they track down haters that post shit about celebrities on Facebook and Twitter and then the celebrity makes a suprise visit to that hater in public to confront to see what they have to say about them to their face, that they’ve said about them online and then afterwards treats that hater to the oppurtunity to see that their lives aren’t always what they see in the tabloids. Just a suggestion, here’s a small clip preview of the shows pilot though, it looks like its going to be great!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y0REXRKvTs

  4. Roseanne, just a suggestion to your part where you said
    “I must say that i feel I do not deserve the terrible reputation that I have in Hollywood.”
    But why don’t you appear on Mario Lopez’s new show called “H8Rs” that is going to be premiering on the CW this fall, and clear your image partly that way? What the show is about where they track down haters that post shit about celebrities on Facebook and Twitter and then the celebrity makes a suprise visit to that hater in public to confront to see what they have to say about them to their face, that they’ve said about them online and then afterwards treats that hater to the oppurtunity to see that their lives aren’t always what they see in the tabloids. Just a suggestion, here’s a small clip preview of the shows pilot though, it looks like its going to be great!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Y0REXRKvTs

  5. Christopher Michael Ward says:

    Making the list now will let you know when i am ready for the next step. Cool?

  6. Artists have always held a mirror up to society to show us our own problems. It is the only way we, as human beings, can evolve. This has been true all throughout history – just look at people like Leonardo Da Vinci, William Shakespeare, Michaelangelo, Vincent Van Gogh. The canvas was the cinema or tv screen of the ancient world.
    Roseanne was one of the people who kicked the door open for women to be included in the list of great artists throughout history, and we can still see some of the ripple effects left by her show. We’re seeing more strong, independent female characters in television shows and movies, and I cannot remember very many examples of these types of characters before the late 1980′s. For example, in the recent Battlestar Galactica television series, the character of Starbuck was re-written as a female fighter pilot when in the original series the character had been a male.
    I doubt that we would have ever had shows like The L-Word if it hadn’t been for Mariel Hemingway’s appearance on an episode of Roseanne either.
    Unfortunately, we now live in an era where art has become a commodity that is completely dominated by huge corporations. They own the means of production and the means of distribution. In essence, corporations are guarding all the doors and holding all of the keys in the “art industry” – and it is very important that you think the way they do if you want to be successful.
    Corporations know what few people ever realize: The most powerful tool any human being can have at their disposal is the ability to broadcast a message. You cannot kill an idea – especially one that has reached billions of minds. That is what makes people like Roseanne a “liability” instead of an “asset.”
    Roseanne was picking a LOT of fights with a LOT of Giants – and she was doing the right thing. I can’t even imaging some of the arguments that went on inside the writers room on Roseanne, or the fights she had to go through to get certain ideas broadcast on Prime Time television.
    What even fewer people realize is the way these Giants fight back and the tactics they use. They won’t just walk up to you and shoot you with a gun – that would almost be kind. Instead they chip away at your soul over a period of months and/or years. They leak damaging things to the press, spin other things you did to make you look stupid in the eye of the public, spread rumours, intimidate you with lawyers, etc.
    The don’t just want to destroy people who fight back – they want to make them suffer. Anyone who’s ever felt threatened by a big company knows the psychological torture tactics they use against you. Now imagine that you’re a public figure, and people who don’t even know you are making ridiculous assumption about you because of “something they heard.”
    I feel sorry for most celebrities. 99% of them are slaves to a false image created by handlers, wardrobe assistants, agents, and PR Firms. I doubt many of them are truly happy. The only celebrities I’ve maintained an ounce of respect for are the ones who have clearly demonstrated that they don’t take the Hollywood Lifestyle seriously, have demonstrated that they know how to treat the people at work, and have demonstrated that they can walk away from the industry completely any time they choose without feeling the slightest bit of regret.
    I do not envy some of the fights Roseanne had to go through to get some of her messages out there, nor the damage these battles did to her – but I think a lot of people are better off because she went through all of that stuff. People still remember a lot of her messages, even if they don’t realize it.
    As a wise lady once said: “I’m a pretty good judge of people, that’s why I don’t like none of ‘em.”

  7. just make a list of things you recognize you have done wrong first–

  8. Christopher Michael Ward says:

    Make a List of what made me do mean stuff to people i have hurt?.

  9. Christopher Michael Ward says:

    Do you think i need to make a list of people i have hurt and why?.

  10. thats a start–but now you have to go through them one at a time and catalog them—like “I like to hurt someone’s feelings when I feel really vulnerable”–figure out what you have done–take a while to really let it sink in, until you feel real remorse and empathy for those you have harmed.

  11. Christopher Michael Ward says:

    Ok. I have sin a lot in my life and i have hurt a lot of people so i ask G-d to forgive me. Amen

  12. This is the spirit with which to move through life.
    I salute your divinity.

  13. repentance is a large part of it–taking inventory of your sins.

  14. Christopher Michael Ward says:

    You say you are no longer ill at all. How can i get well like that? i meditate and that helps a lot but how do you not get stressed?.
    C. Michael Ward

  15. yes it took quite a toll on my nervous system and mental health, but i’m doing great now!

  16. Here are some things I remember from the tv show Roseanne:
    1) You went after insurance companies and people who rip off the elderly. The episode where Bev moved into that condo that was reclaimed by the company upon her death.
    2) You showed, with Dan’s motorcycle shop and the Lunch Box that it is almost impossible for small business owners to survive without corporate backing.
    3) I remember the episode when David went to work for that horrible amusement park that was obviously supposed to be Disney, and how completely evil this company was. I also admired the way you changed the identity of this company just enough to avoid any legal problems.
    I learned a lot of life lessons from your show by the time I was 14. It seems to me that you were sending out a lot of messages that the status quo did not want the public to receive.
    I would not be too hard on yourself for mistakes you’ve made in the past, Roseanne. You’ve obviously learned from them. I think you’ve contributed more good than bad to the world.
    You fought some pretty large battles for people who you don’t even know. That kind of fighting would take a toll on anyone.

  17. Moon Shadow says:

    Your words and mana personify the principals of Ho’oponopono:
    * I Love You
    * Please forgive me
    * I am sorry
    * Thank you
    You are a divine loving soul who cannot be stopped, and will always have the love and support drown out the slanderers and critics, who fear the direction of the path you pave for a future of Matriarchy/Peace.
    Mahalo nui for always being REAL!!!