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My campaign for President of the US/Prime Minister of Israel speech:

Greetings Earthlings! Greetings my fellow and sister Taxpayers of America, as well as any members of the Animal Kingdom who might be listening to me now. I speak for you today. I speak Truth to power today in honor of the mothers and grandmothers of this country (and all countries) who are the backbone of this and all countries, and without whose sacrifice, there would be no soldiers to fight in rich men’s war for turf in order to sell weapons, drugs, pornography, and the fried corpses of headless chickens that Colonel Sanders and other Colonels, Generals and contractors within the military industrial complex, genetically modified for mass consumption, and which will soon lead to the ultimate death of the Entire Cosmic Web of Life, including Human Doom.
I’m here today to announce that after a lifetime in TV and show business, and even tougher, raising five children and five grandsons, I have, thanks to much prayer and meditation decided to pursue a less stressful future. I, Roseanne Barr am simply going to fix everything…
Sadly the current leaders of the world–99% of them male, are selfish idiots, moral cowards, greedy incompetents and sexual degenerates who cannot keep their penises in their pants at all, ever, for any reason. In order to save future generations of males, as well as females and animal and plant life forms, I today (mother’s day) declare Patriarchal Politics obsolete, and I call forth Divine Matriarchy, the only thing that can save this sad planet at this late and dying date.
Patriarchy is impotent, and qualitatively unable to solve even the simplest problems in the Cosmos, such as picking up its own socks, or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking directly out of it.
To begin curing this world, I am officially running for President of these United States of America, as well as Prime Minister of Israel (a two-fer) on the brand new “Green Tea Party” ticket.
As all political candidates in America must do, I will refer constantly to my particular religion, which happens to be The Church of Common Sense. Its laws and gospels are nothing more than practical, simple solutions to the problems that currently plague humanity, and i will incorporate all these religious values into my campaign platform.
My Platform is Three fold, and will result in world peace within one year:
allow women to grow it and to make food clothing shelter and fuel from it for pennies. And legalize marijuana too, and let women integrate their divided consciousness with a natural herb instead of doctor’s pills which destroy the liver. End the War on drugs. this will take the potheads and non-violent drug users out of prisons, where you can get drugs anyway, thereby making room for the violent offenders and the real criminals–the actual threats to world peace.
Since women make up 53% of the population, as well as the work force, a MINIMUM of Green Tea Party leadership will be female, and given that one in six Americans lives in poverty, at least one sixth of the party’s officials will officially be poor (since generations of rich guys running things has only gotten us here). As Congress people and senators, they will be able to become rich enough to eradicate their own poverty for generations, as well as that of those they represent simply by having access to public policy that decides where public money goes. They will simply direct public money TO THE PUBLIC, a novel idea and something which is not being done at all, ever. A small grant of 1500 dollars can enable a poor woman to start a business that can create wealth and jobs for as many as ten other people within two years.
Poor women know how to get things done well, and on the cheap. They know how to stretch that dollar.
In American, for speaking truth, women are called Bitches. I seek for next Mother’s Day, a march of One Million American Bitches who can get the job done–the job of getting the food to the hungry kids in this country and thereby creating real wealth, as well as saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity. This is just one of my righteous spiritual goals and solutions to the real problems in America!
After the passage of this one law, the Patriarchy will inevitably begin to crumble, as will the concept of War itself, which is largely a large load of bullshit.
My first act as President and Prime Minister will be to re-configure all Maritime Law. Nothing will move anywhere for a while, as Nemesis is achieved. I will become the Pirate Queen, making Corporate Piracy on the High Seas a High Crime.
No real changes need to be made to the system that exists now and the Prison and Military Complexes will not collapse under Green Tea Party rule, at all.
We will still be able to be the world’s police force and imprison significant numbers of humans for profit. The only real difference is, we will imprison the guilty, the most dangerous people on earth using our strong and vast military to find and arrest them. They won’t be too hard to find, as they are already sitting atop every giant Ponzi scheme of a Big Multinational Corporation, and tax free religion in the world.
The Priest Class, allowed to exist only in service to Military Might (as it always has done) will simply be instructed by my minions to begin making peace, teaching scientific fact and to stop dividing people against each other, and to re-configure a message of co-operation, under penalty of International Law.
The Ruling Classes are less than one percent of the world’s population, yet through their control of trade routes upon the Open Seas, the ungodly pirates that they are, control 99% of the world’s resources, and move them through the world by water. They kill dispassionately and by stealing the wealth of entire communities and classes. After being arrested and tried by a Judicial system NOT heavily weighted in their favor (as now), they shall face a fate more horrifying than death (to them). These greedy moral derelicts will be forced to actually pay back the money they stole, every single plundered dime!!
Without Bullshit, the Twin Towers of Patriarchy, Warmongering-Piracy and Woman Hating-Pedophilia will collapse under their own weight.
WITH THE NECESSARY RE-EDUCATION CAMPS, we’ll reinforce the shocking idea that the guilty must pay for their crimes, even if they are wealthy or hiding behind God. It’s imperative that children see their guilty leaders punished, otherwise they grow up to think it OK to rob and hurt and offend, and that you can get away with it simply because you are rich or a priest.
Somewhere, within the concept of Justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this thought completely. The People must have Justice, and so, I want to instate and enshrine the Blessed and Holy Guillotine, a fast and painless execution of Justice, and of execution. There’s simply no kinder way of death than a swift and painless beheading!
–Again, it’s a humane, quick, pain free death. Most people would choose a swift and painless death if they were allowed to vote on it!
There will be those who oppose an ultimate act of Justice against the worst people on earth, and they shall be re-classified as being some of the worst people on earth themselves, and sent to re-education camps. Without the collusion of the “pacifist” the worst things could not continue.
Speculators and bankers, those who poison the earth and create wars for profit, will be required to personally clean the sewers and the land of the toxins they have produced. If they choose not to do the work themselves-as they are usually too sensitive for such unpleasantries-then they’ll foot the bill and be required to pay ten times the minimum wage per worker hour. If they cut corners, or make things in any way unsafe for any worker, they will be arrested and tried and punished by The People’s new System of Justice.
Though it may surprise you, the capitalist system will remain in place until somebody comes up with a system of barter that serves the needs of most, and not of the few at the expense of the many. I want a new capitalism, one not fueled by wars, one that doesn’t pass all its wealth to a handful of white guys and call that free trade. One wherein the elderly actually get paid their retirement monies. We’ll have capitalism, but we’ll also have social welfare programs and education and basic compassion and health care. I’m talking about a system that rewards hard work and ambition but cares for its weakest child. Being called a Femi-nazi for saying these things will be considered treasonous.
We will simply combine capitalism and socialism, and create People-ism–where both ideas work together for a functional system. No one shall cling blindly to a single unyielding ideology just because of bloated obese talk radio hosts who tell the starving to tighten their belts, or that damned Ayn Rand book. People and societies do not work like machines. You actually have to have compromise, adjust, and make reasonable choices. COMMON SENSE!
As Prime Minister of Israel, I’ll introduce a bill to the Knesset that will simply do away with Patriarchy there, as well. All religious books that advocate the burning of witches or the execution of gays will become passe and will simply be disregarded as obsolete.
My next bill of legislation will cause Peace, by simply paying the Palestinian people not to shoot at the Israelis! For far less than the cost of Israel’s unusable 250 nuclear warheads, we can build schools and hospitals and give every Palestinian a great job. We can put the Pal back into Palestinian!
Just ten of the world’s Jewish Billionaires have more than enough to transform the occupied territories. American Jews who support the settlements in Palestinian territories will be required to go and live in them, freeing up their homes in Beverly Hills for Palestinians who may choose to leave their homelands.
Any Israeli settlements to be built in the Capital of Palestine, East Jerusalem, must be built for Palestinians to live in! This way, the Israeli companies who work with Haliburton and have received no-bid contracts from American Tax Payers, can still keep building!! The Palestinian People will also have decent housing to live in, as they are the majority of Israel’s labor force! In other words, the entire problem in the Middle East will be addressed in my administration as a Labor Issue, and NOT a religious issue.
No more wars will be necessary.
Arabe billionaires, Christian billionaires, Russian and and Chinese Billionaires will be required to kick in to solve the problem too, since peace in the middle east is also in their best interests. Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere and grab the money (Arafat died with 30 billion dollars of his people’s money in a french bank account) will be marched to the Blessed Lady and subsequently beheaded. Isn’t that easier/better than some endless bloody conflict?
As POTUS and PMOI, I will shut down those who make the Jewish People their Moral Hostages…namely the Rothschild banking family, who coincidentally are the reason people hate the Jews!!
The time for all grudges and blood libels will be done. I don’t like Jewish attitudes towards Christians and Muslims, nor do I like what Christians think of Jews and Muslims, nor what Muslims think about Jews or Christians! I simply care nothing for any of these religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed–unlike the Church of Common Sense–All Abrahamic religions refer to God as ‘He’ instead of ‘She’ and all three would burn me at the stake for using the word GODDESS.
In the new world, every position of power evacuated by an arrested and beheaded pedophile or bankster will be filled with a grandmother who has pledged to create heaven on earth for all children and animals and all humans with the stolen money we have commanded our troops to recover.
Each Grandmother is responsible for at least one hundred people around her, as is normal now anyway, and she will answer to the Grandmother at the head of her district. Each District Head answers to the Tribunal Council of Matriarchs. The titular heads of the Worldwide Association of Matriarchal Tribunals will answer to the Head of the World Family, which is of course, Me.
In this New Age, war is no longer a business. War profiteering is punishable by the Guillotine. To keep these deaths to a minimum, all Presidents, Prime Ministers and Queens (there will be NO kings) will be required to fight in the very first infantry wave of any war they authorize. Trust me, that’ll make for some productive peace talks!!
Why have I been chosen to deliver this message of Female intelligence and its Divinity to a world of deaf males? I have asked my Internal/Eternal Goddess that question, and She answered, “Why not YOU, Roseanne?” Indeed, why not each of us?
Women, let’s stop propping up bullshit and reflecting it back at twice its size!! Let’s drop out big time and stop buying things! Let’s plant gardens. Let’s not buy in, let’s get real.
Let’s take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch!
Let’s start our own schools and teach our kids to heal the world and not destroy it. Let’s help each other first for once, before we help men or their gods! Let’s be selfish for our own sake and theirs, just this once. I know the thought of that seems blasphemous and horrific, but we have to do it!
The truth of the Light of reality will illuminate all that we see and all that we do.
Ladies,and thinking Gentlemen, I implore you: Join me in the Church of Common Sense, in the Green Tea Party movement. With your support, I promise to usher in the new age:
(a prophecy written 2010 just before the deluge).


  1. didn’t dude get angry when the temples were turned into walmart?

  2. dashus christ says:

    So the people that haven’t had a say,are suppose to be subservient to religious fanatics and all the evil among us that are still in power today-i couldn’t disagree more.

  3. dashus christ says:

    i Agree with what you are saying PJ!

  4. Octobersan says:

    Yes prejesus, if you actually read jesus, you are not only participating, you are above anger.

  5. in the power of now, in an enlightened state of awareness, your inability to feel anger, pisses me off. if you can’t muster a little anger over certain moral issues, then i ask, are you really participating?

  6. Still in line at the library for your book. 3 people ahead of me.
    In the meantime, maybe you’d like to spend some time with The Power of Now.
    With a simple shift in consciousness…there would be no injustice…no need for anger, which to me is the “mother” of hatred.
    But then we all know, anger is just fear….
    Just sayin.

  7. Moon Shadow says:

    Amazon fucked up my order and sent me a fucking Grisham novel instead of your book – hmmm…?
    I have defended my anger for years. Without anger there is no ACTION. Without action, we are all pacifists doomed to failure. I have never seen pacifism called out so often as on your site.
    I would luv to see a “kahea” or call to action section here. Focused efforts to start organizing your bloggers around the country, preparing for BARR 2012.

  8. you should read my book, especially what I wrote about the restorative power of harnessed anger. I do not think its true that anger is the same as hatred, nor that anger is a negative thing. I think it’s disgusting that people say otherwise, and in fact, i kind of blame them for all the world’s problems. we are supposed to get angry when things are unjust. we are not happy nazis.

  9. Octobersan says:

    Don’t know if I’m enlightened or not, but I am conscious. I know that my thoughts are not real, only right now is real.
    My Church of Common Sense tells me that peace starts with me. Only me. When I stop bringing hate and anger into the world it will stop being in the world.
    I guess that was my original point that I was trying to convey to you regarding your neighbors.
    It doesn’t matter if you “like” Tolle or not. He’s not the issue. It’s not what he says that matters, it’s what comes through him into the world.
    Like your show so many years ago. It didn’t come from you, it came through you. That’s why it touched so many people.
    You have every right to say I can’t come onto your website. But I hope you can find the place inside you that sees that maybe what comes through me is not meant to harm you. But I suppose you will see what you want to see.

  10. You’re the enlightened one u tell me

  11. Octobersan says:

    Roseanne? Am I really banned from your site?
    Read my posts again. Then read yours and the others.
    Read them Roseanne. Then honestly tell me who radiates fear and hatred.

  12. It doesn’t matter where I am from. And it doesn’t matter if your from Ohio or Hawaii. The fact is that Roseanne’s asked you to leave and said your not welcome here, yet you continue to write in with your nonsense, that is considered cyberstalking which is a FEDERAL CRIME under 18 U.S.C. 875

  13. Octobersan says:

    Richard, when did I talk about Roseanne achieving? How am I stalking? And dude, i’m in Ohio, on a veteran’s pension, aint goin to Hawaii anytime soon.
    I live in the real world, where are you from? Just askin.

  14. Octobersan says:

    Zelda, if you’d actually looked at the dates of my posts, you’d see that in the past say 5 years I’ve had maybe a total of 10 to 15 posts on those sites. Truth always outs.

  15. Gone for now? How about staying gone for good! Who are you to even talk about achieving to Roseanne. I’m sure if you want to continue the obsessive and stalker-ish behavior your showing right now then she would have a spare EMMY or GRAMMY that she could chuck at you when you trespass on her property while waiting for the police. Get a life for real and stop harping on intruding into other peoples.

  16. Octobersan says:

    When you do achieve consciousness, and you will Roseanne (because I believe in you!), you’ll see that bringing only hate into the world will give you only suffering.
    And you suffer greatly. That’s why you’ll reach enlightenment.
    OK, gone for now, like I said, still waiting for your book from the library.

  17. anger is required in times of great bullshit. if you had read my book, which you never would because you could never shut up long enough to read any book by any woman for any reason and you know it. You like ekhardt toll and I don’t. Here’s a paradigm switch for ya: every single thing you say is complete and utter BULLSHIT! I will never “live in harmony” with lies. That is the difference between my philosophy and yours. I believe only in proven things of which there is no argument, and that is because argument and acting like you know spiritual things that you don’t is the worst ego that exists. go fuck yourself, get off the pipe and wake the fuck up, rube.

  18. you serve satan, the fake love and peace guy.

  19. but the fact is, that I do not wish for you to watch my tv program at all, because you are a dangerous and anti social person. Are you incapable of minding your own goddam business or not? I have the feeling that you are a gossip as well as a bore. When I want your fucking two bit opinion, believe me I will ask you for it! You are no longer welcome in my home. by the way, sociopaths such as yourself cannot tell where the boundary is between public and private, so let me refresh your drug addled memory–this is a PRIVATE NOT PUBLIC WEBSITE. bah bye!

  20. I refered to Oprah because Roseanne had been a guest of hers recently. Figured she still had her phone or email. That’s probably true.
    (Oprah’s 20 hour webcast class with a guy called Eckhart Tolle is still available on her website I think)
    They taught that a shift of consciousness is the answer for the world. when you can see that anger only brings anger. Hate only brings hate. You can then see that love only brings more love. (Sounds kinda 60s right?)
    The false self (ego) thinks that winning is the answer. It’s always “us” against “them”. It builds the ego.
    Let go. Live in harmony.

  21. Octobersan:
    Have you even read the years of posts on this blog?
    After being spanked by a blogger here, I did.
    I respect Roseanne’s view on the world. I don’t always agree with every detail, however… it’s given me pause to change my point of view and sometimes, it changes many times. It’s a process.
    Through the magic of “google search”, it’s easy to determine that you have a lot to say to Oprah, Kathy Griffin, Rosie Odonnell and a host of others. (I became bored after a while)
    When your desire to SPEAK is strong, you should LISTEN instead…

  22. dashus christ says:

    this octoberson here is so very disturbing-she is all mixed/messed up–and Octo,so as you don’t already know,Roseanne has no ego,but you surely sound as tho you do–NEVER give in to the Wrong(do you have that now,cause it is very important),ONLY do the RIGHT THING AT THE RIGHT TIME for the RIGHT Reasons.Roseanne has Spoken in Great Length and detail of this for YEARS NOW

  23. ***meant to say “if you could use it”

  24. Show this conversation to Oprah? LMAO, you talk as if everyone that’s on television must be good friends just because they all act.
    And Roseanne, noticed you said your neighbors names are Roree and Richard. Just so you know, I’m in now way involved. I’m all the way on the other side of the country and you can see by my last name that’s on my email address registered to you that it’s not involving them. I had just seen that about your TRO in the media and then seen these comments on your blog and thought I’d offer my help, you could use it. That shit just makes me mad when people think just because someone has fame then they aren’t like everyone else and others have the right to pry into their personal lives. Its just pathetic.

  25. It is if you want me to watch your TV program. You choose to live life in public for money, then rail at the public when they show interest.
    One thing is for sure, you’re reading and decipering me in your head, and not the way I’m sending.
    Know something, show Oprah this little conversation, she could explain what I’m saying. Try it, just do.

  26. you know what its none of your goddam fucking business !

  27. Roseanne, please don’t be so paranoid. I wrote on your blog way before you had neighbor problems. I’m in Ohio.
    Find out what the neighbors want. Give it to them. Just give in. Do something you don’t think you can do. Stop resisting.
    If that doesn’t work, then leave. You can afford it, you can grow nuts other places I’m sure. The new place may be a blessing. It will be what was supposed to happen.
    No matter what, your goal is harmony. Until you learn it in your own life, you can’t bring it into the world.
    Really dude.

  28. Octobersan says:

    Hi Rosanne, I’m 3 holds away now at the library so it will be a few weeks till I can read your book.
    In the meantime, can I ask you…How can you rule the world when you can’t get along with your neighbor?
    Being a woman like me, don’t you hold yourself to a higher standard? Find out what the neighbors really want, then give it to them.
    Why not just do that? It’s not complicated, but it does rip your ego (false self) away.
    Then all of a sudden, your problems are solved. You live in harmony.
    Then you can take THAT knowledge into the world.

  29. Living Medusa says:

    Roseanne, you are magnificent. This video of you in front of the White House blows me away. I agree with everything you say here. I’ve long thought that war is completely insane, and that if mothers were running the world, it simply would not exist. It’s rare to hear truth being spoken in any public forum these days, and so it is exhilarating to hear you speak it here. Thank you for your courage, and Goddess bless you!

  30. Howz it rosanne,
    Are you for real about the guillotines? You know I am in agreement about the military industrial complex, the transnational corporations controlling our congress, which by the way should be called the United States congressional cartel. I agree with you on the issue of punishment of all the people that are screwing us all in this country. I still believe in the constitution of the United States of American and all that freedom that we are entitled to. They are a threat to everyones humanity

  31. dashus christ says:

    Yes,Roseanne is the all time legend!!!
    BARR 2012 and NOW

  32. What a legend

  33. i am not going to “dialogue” with nazis or rapists. that won’t help anything. I do not like to dialogue with those who offend me–because they are assholes and I dont have the time to argue with a bunch of them. they can fuck off and die. just sayin

  34. dogladytwodogladytwo says:

    real change can only take place if you dialogue with the very people you are offending. I don’t diasagree with the overall message, but I wonder if you are undervaluing the message you have with how you are articulating it. Keep up the good fight though !. :)

  35. I love you, Roseanne. I agree with you 100%. I also believe own country and other countries are run by nothing more than, “boys with their toys”. They are confused by their place in life. Men think they are in charge, but are being laughed at by woman kind. But we aren’t done laughing and are taking over. They are idiots and it’s time for the real leaders to take charge, women.

  36. I love you Roseanne! I heard you on the radio today and I was at once inspired and also relieved to hear a voice so cutting and true with the courage to take on the powers of the system, in the language of the common woman and man. I get your muckraking, and I don’t think I would want to test you on the limits in your Mother-festo of where you are being literal and where you are taking brilliant artistic license to break through to the desensitized masses about the gravity of the threats we face and the boldness of the actions required to protect our future generations from enslavement and annihilation at the hands of our own.

  37. I love you Roseanne! I heard you on the radio today and I was at once inspired and also relieved to hear a voice so cutting and true with the courage to take on the powers of the system, in the language of the common woman and man. I get your muckraking, and I don’t think I would want to test you on the limits in your Mother-festo of where you are being literal and where you are taking brilliant artistic license to break through to the desensitized masses about the gravity of the threats we face and the boldness of the actions required to protect our future generations from enslavement and annihilation at the hands of our own.

  38. I don’t exactly agree with some of your ideas, but I definitely admire you for what you’re doing. You’ve got some balls. Which makes you awesome. And for that you’re one of my new role models :)

  39. you know what , if i was american and old enough. i would totally vote for you

  40. Dear Roseanne, you’ve got my vote too. Your picture of the future sounds a lot more comforting than the future we seem to be heading towards now.

  41. you are the closest I’ve seen to My ideology… keep up the good work, and if you need campaign help in WI, feel free to contact Me.

  42. Anita Stewart says:

    I would be happy to do your virtual outreach. I was on staff for the Kucinich 2008 campaign and I worked media for Cynthia McKinney. I am also running for office myself.
    (I also love Isis…)

  43. Yes all true. U have my vote. Just don’t kill anyone with the guillotine

  44. Dear Roseanne,
    Make me a sandwich.

  45. rosesarered says:

    I’m proud of you Roseanne! You are my new hero…I watched your presidential campaign videos from start to finish and you definitely make poignant points, observations and everything you said in your speech make lot of sense.
    As much as I love men, the majority are idiots with no common sense. You have the balls to call things as they are and I very much applaud your stand for women. You are the voice of reason and women’s liberation today.
    I’m a new member, this is my first post! You too have my vote!

  46. Roseanne, you have my vote!

  47. Since women are in the majority at the polls I lay the blame of most of our ills at their feet.
    They have the pwer but fail to utilize it.

  48. Men can’t even figure out how to do the laundry; Why are they in charge of our religion, health care and our countries?
    I am a Canadian and I wish Roseanne would run for Prime Minister of Canada as well. I am a newly certified Master Herbalist and am working a minimum wage job because our North American systems and institutions make it difficult for me to practice my craft; especially when there is such as desperate need for it. I love all her solutions. We need a new Women’s Movement in North America and I want to join the crusade.

  49. I am a freelance political photographer in Colorado. In the event that your campaign is serious, and you make campaign stops in Colorado, I would be happy to be your photographer and you could use the photos in your campaign liturature/commercials.

  50. Octobersan says:

    Hey Roseanne. If you want to usher in a new age, you might want to look into the message that people like Eckhart Tolle or Byron Katie are currently translating for us. Your way has been tried, and doesn’t work…no matter how good your message, the evil will always rise up to counter it. Learn to live in presence, not in you mind, it’s the only way. with love. Sandy