By Rick Overton
Are you sick of watching our country turn into a bunch of tax-paying, border-crossing, over-educated Pinko’s, ruining your American Dream? Does a lower back or glandular weight problem keep you from returning to your job? Need to express the outrage that our heroes on the radio command us to feel all day long?
Then welcome to the wonderful world of Trolling!
If you’ve got a penchant for spirited and witty repartee – or even if not – then Trolling is for you.
It’s fun and easy – “Easy” being the operative word here. Hey, who wants to actually work when you can stay in your Mom’s basement and type?
Still, there are some basic requirements: The Three C’s
Cynicism – Stay on track towards the objective. That goal being – to keep your targets off track and fighting amongst themselves. Remember how disappointed you were when you put a penny on the tracks and it didn’t derail the train like you were lead to believe? Well this time you get to see how effective a derail you can create by throwing in your TWO CENTS! Honest interchange of ideas becomes a train-wreck! It’s totally awesome!
Conscience Control – Whenever your gut starts lying to you, saying that what you’re doing is wrong, just remember that people basically suck. Hey, look at your own childhood if you need proof, You’ve known your entire life that everyone else’s experience has to be basically the same as yours, so you can rest assured you’re doing the right thing.
Computer and Internet service -Being anonymous is essential. It’s not cowardice, my friend. It’s about being able to threaten anyone you want or always writing in CAPS, BUT WITHOUT HAVING THE FBI, CIA, NSA OR OTHER ORGANIZATION IN ALL CAPS showing up at your door.
FAQ’s – OR – (Frequently asked questions)
Q: Do I need a College diploma?
A: Hell no! Three words: HISTORY CHANNEL!
Q: Do I have to be a good and reasonable guy?
A: You only have to pretend you are. Study and copy others who have those weak traits. You don’t have to “Play-Weak” forever, just until we’re totally in charge of everything.
Q: What kind of handle/name should I choose?
A: There’s a lot to consider here. I recommend something with a commanding tone, like idominateyou or iwin-youlose. It scares the opponent into respecting you. Topgunchucknorris45 is cool, because it contains your favorite movie, your favorite actor and your age. Sometimes it’s cool to show your knowledge of weaponry – sniperscope1, killdagger or shootergamzinmyrumpusroom. Crossherrman is awesome, but it’s already taken.
Q: Can I be ironical, like Ann Coulter?
A: Irony is a dangerous device. Not unlike a Daisy Cutter, it can blow up on you as easily as on your opponent, but you could pose as something clever like liberalhippyleftycommie69 just to fake out the bleeding hearts into listening to your non-point.
Q: How about sex? Sex makes me laugh. I like sex stuff.
A: Sex is always good for a giggle. Handles like minz-waybigger lightens the tone, and loosens up the whole site.
Q: How’s about if I wanna look smart?
A: Handles like iamsensible, or welledgeicatedguy might just fit the bill. Try to steer clear of names like myrrageisoutofcontrol or dadtouchedme, as those tend to put your credibility in question. The great part is, you don’t have to keep just one handle. We can provide you with multiple lines out, so you can keeps threads going on forever by fighting with yourself. It’s fun being several dudes at once! Some of you already are, anyway.
Q: What if my opponent is smarter than me?
A: They all are, but that’s not the point. Smart is the new gay anyhow. You just take whatever phrases they come up with, and throw them right back! If they call you a Neo-Tard, you call them a Lib-Tard. If they say you are a troll, call them a troll. It confuses them, which is all we want. Like a hand grenade, toss it back before it goes off. The Romans never invented anything, they just took it by force! Look how long THEY lasted! Don’t have exact the numbers, but I’m pretty sure it was a lot of years.
Q: What do I do if the ideological jerks gang up on me?
A: Don’t worry! We’ll send in back up re-enforcements with statements like “I totally agree with you!” and “You have a good point!” For some unexplainable reason, your enemies have power – the power to reach regular, honest and decent people. That’s why we attack their sites in what amounts to a sort of wolf-pack-raid. You’ll never be alone, except of course when you log off, or when your Mom goes shopping.
Q: What about Conspiracy Theorists?
A: This is a more complicated issue. We have people on both sides of the political coin working on this one. Everything from UFO’s to Kennedy to the Moon landing. All you need to know are a few key words and phrases to shame or shut down the opponent.
The standard ones are:
Little Green Men
Moonbat (Personal FAVE)
“Real studies show that…”
“No tangible proof of…”
“Have yet to find one shred of evidence of…”
“The majority of REPUTABLE scientists say that…”
Also, be sure to demand that the opponent bring you reams of evidence, like a slave. (Links, articles – make ’em work all night on it) Then, just throw it all out and laugh at them anyway! It never fails! They all want to “Teach us”, “Help us”, “Save us from ourselves” and BS like that. They all believe everyone’s inherently good inside -LOL!
Q: Is God okay with me lying?
A: It’s not YOU who is lying. It’s only skullcrushfella19 who’s bending the truth, remember? God simply goes off your real name on a big printout sheet. Don’t go weak on us before we even get you started. God wants us to win, first and foremost. He doesn’t care how you do it and doesn’t need to know the details.
Q: Is spelling and grammer a problem?
A: In a war of words, your going to need to have you’re linguistical arsenal in place. Thier going to be ready. Are you? Personally, I’m addicted to Foniks. It’s the shortest distance between hear and they’re for conkerring those big words.
Now kneel thee, good sir knight, for thou art now in the company of kings. Kings Of The Keyboards! A grand tradition that dates back approximately 4-5 1/2 years. Our domain is all we survey, and extends for as far as we can see. So put on your corrective glasses, your Carpal Tunnel braces and get into the game! It IS all just a game to us, you know.
Well, gott’a run – Hot Pocket’s ready. Mmm-Hmmm. Life is sweet under the bridge.
Troll’s Handbook by Rick Overton: