All Gain; No Pain!

Award-winning actress, political activist, and comedian par excellence, Roseanne Barr is receiving rave reviews for her new, foolproof weight gain program that’s got people talking from Coast to Coast and as far away as Australia about the incredible gains they’re achieving while eating as much as they want of the foods they LOVE!

“I’m hearing from people who were barely tipping the scales at, say, 175, who are approaching 200 after not much more than 30 days on my can’t-miss program,” says Barr, who looks terrific, as she calls it, and at sixty-four is living proof that crazy fad diets that require eating less food than you really want, just don’t work!

Barr stops naysayers in their tracks with her enthusiastic testimonial. “Am I serious, or WHAT? I had my stomach surgically shrunken to the size of a link sausage, and G-d knows I LOVE link sausage,” says the Peabody Award-winning actress and writer, “…And, lots of my intestines were removed to try to keep me from the things I truly love! So if I can make this plan work?…ANYONE can!

“The beauty of my regimen is you can eat the foods you crave and enjoy, AND have all you want! People ask me what I call my program, but I tell them I don’t have time for inventing a gimmicky name; I’M too busy enjoying pasta, rich desserts, fried chicken, Snickers bars and bacon…all at the same TIME…and GUILT-FREE! And, by the way, Check it out, PC crusaders: I’m doing more than my share of ridding the world of that cruel, hateful fat shaming scourge that’s gone on for way too long. If everybody climbs aboard my guaranteed gain train, there won’t be any sad, skinny, bony finger-pointing haters left to give us a hard time about doing what everybody REALLY WANTS to do, if they’re honest about it!”

Of course, a few of those insulting, emaciated haters Roseanne just mentioned have thrown the obvious charges at her, saying that she’s being reckless when it comes to health hazards associated with honest, free-range eating. Is she really being prudent when it comes to her health in the future?

“Listen, I can shut them all up with two little words,” she says on her YouTube channel, which is now registering millions of hits a day. As she finishes off a generous slice of chocolate fudge layer cake, and washes it down with a vanilla shake, she pauses for a moment to demonstrate her world-famous comic timing and then says, matter-of-factly: “NUCLEAR WAR.” There’s another pause as she looks deep into the eye of the camera, and then explains: “Just because Hillary Clinton lost the election doesn’t mean that we won’t keep stoking the fires of war with Russia by accusing them of subverting our alleged democracy, and increasing the number of near-misses between U.S. and Russian fighter jets in the skies over Syria. Half the American public has been convinced that Putin is the reason they have Shingles, or Social Anxiety, or erectile dysfunction, or toenails that look like little clam shells – which reminds me, I have a chowder recipe to die for! In other words, I’m not going to worry about developing high blood pressure in a few years – Hell, there are Russian subs trawling just off our coasts with 1,000 Hiroshimas in each warhead, and we’re insulting and baiting Vladimir Putin 24/7/365, and trying to push HIM into a corner. Really, Friends and neighbors: you think a bulging waistline or an ass too bodacious even for a Kardashian is the biggest threat to your longevity? Roseanne wouldn’t kid you, I was your mom, you poor little repressed fat fearers, and I’ll end with this: You need to think again! But first? Have a nice big piece of this cake; you KNOW you WANT TO! Speaking HILLogically: It’s GREAT – because it’s GOOD! Peace…OUT!”