TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE:

I PROMISE TO FIX THIS BROKEN AND CORRUPT GOVERNMENT, AND TO CLEAN AND SHINE IT’S FLOORS AND HALLS UNTIL THE LIGHT GLEAMS OFF OF THEM!  i will do what needs to be done to save this country from CONGRESS, AND THE SUPREME WHORE.  i will do it.  I promise you.  If you elect me, I will forgive all student loans, legalize marijuana, end the war on drugs, supply free college educations and top notch schools for all children, bring the troops home, begin solar energy immediately, end the need for oil, give free health care to all, make churches pay tax on their unused profits, imprison all lobbyists and white collar banking criminals*.  I WILL FUCKING FIRE EVERY ONE OF THOSE BASTARDS AND MAKE THEM PAY BACK THE MONEY THEY STOLE TOO, TRUST ME, I LOVE TO FIRE THIEVING ASSHOLES AND LYING PRICKS, as well as all the common whores who service them.